How to Lose Friends and Make Enemies

Over the past few years an epidemic of rudeness has swept America. Here’s how to perpetuate the disease.


1) Ignore people. Don’t return phone calls. Never answer the phone. Don’t listen when people talk to you. Talk on your cell phone when with others, especially in restaurants or other public places. Don’t acknowledge that others exist. The greatest insult that you can give someone is to ignore the person. If you excel at this skill you can skip the next four paragraphs.


2) Show disrespect. Make fun of others. Assign stupid nicknames or deliberately mispronounce names. Make people wait for you. Laugh at other people’s mistakes, struggles, and fears. Use sarcasm and cynicism freely. Treat people like idiots. Disrespect is powerful because it strips people of their dignity.


3) Criticize. Find fault in everything. Spread gossip. Complain about anything and everything. Remind people about mistakes they made, even if decades ago. If possible, embellish your complaints with exaggerated descriptions of failure. Keep a written log of faults, flaws, and fumbles so you can grind on them daily. Develop a whining tone to your voice. Critics reduce everything to dirt.


4) Be negative. Master pessimism. Attack every change or new idea. Always focus on failure. Expect the worst to happen. Never accept or approve anything. Refuse to participate or cooperate in any endeavor. If something appears to work despite your efforts, cause delays so you can prepare fresh arguments against it. Aggressive gloom creates perpetual hopelessness.


5) Get mad. Throw tantrums. Scream. Yell. Shout. Slam doors. Hit walls. Throw things. Act violent. Use accusations, insults, and threats to disrupt conversations. Tolerate nothing. Insist on retribution. Always attack first. Blame your anger on others. Unpredictable, insane behavior keeps other people off balance.


Caution: Application of these tactics guarantees that the need for attorneys will increase.


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